At the strong encouragement of someone that was, briefly, very close to me (virtually speaking), I have decided to begin blogging my experiences with virtual crushes. The "Virtual Crush" is something that is still very new to me. Virtual Crush - a romantic crush that involves interaction via electronic communication technology. Usually, the parties involved have not actually met in the physical world. Typically, this interaction is Internet based via, email, IM, text, phone, chat, A/V streaming, or the more advanced virtual worlds such as www.secondlife.com.
The stories behind my first two virtual crushes are best told another day perhaps. What is more important is the fact that my 3rd virtual crush has taken a turn for the worst. It began innocently enough with the mutual intent of just being friends. We had some key similar interests and characteristics. As a result, we connected very quickly. Both as friends and in our resultant mutual virtual crush. Then I fucked it all up. :-(
The pain from this experience has prompted me to begin blogging. Even though doing so violates one of my oldest rules. "If you put something private on paper, then you better assume that everyone will read it. So DON'T! & if you do it anyway, make damn sure do not put any real names on embarrassing stuff!" I learned this in second grade when my 2nd LTR girlfriend circulated one of my love letters. That humiliation has stuck with me clearly to this moment. Since that day, I have made this mistake again, some 14 years prior, when I was documenting the seduction of a stripper for my journal. That piece of paper subsequently got misplaced. Several months later, my relatively new GF found the infamous essay now known as "Eager Lips!" There is nothing like the sinking feeling of walking in the door after a hard day at work, only to find your GF reading aloud from your essay "As she pressed her luscious pussy to my eager lips." What happened to me subsequently is not appropriate for this blog. I will quote the Marines "What does not kill me, only makes me stronger." Despite these bad memories of what happens when I have documented my private history, I have decided to be bold and embrace my fear. Here it is...my mission statement:
Because of the unfortunate mistakes that I have made and the resultant pain I have recently inflicted, I decided to create this blog for 2 primary purposes:
1. To help me make sense of it all so that I might learn and grow.
2. Hopefully to provide a community service by illustrating examples of what you should and should NOT to do if you seek successful relationship experiences of all types.
I suspect that I will find additional uses for this blog along the way. One that comes to mind immediately is to give some of my friends a break from my long winded missives.
OK, So here I go....Time to dive in & get all wet.
Why is it, that we forget the rules that pain has taught us, when we need them the most? Wait......No, that's not completely accurate...I'll try again. one moment,
{"Pride...be quiet! You have caused enough problems."}
That is much better.
Why do we choose to ignore our rules of conduct when we are upset? (that is more accurate) We create our rules specifically for the prevention of inflicting pain...both on ourselves and others. Yet when we need our rules the most, we violate them. Soon after, we find ourselves suffering from the realization of what we have done. Then, our internal voice of of pride goes into overdrive trying to fabricate a plausible lie to tell ourselves...so that we feel less responsible. Then we back rationalize with this sort of story "It's not my fault. I just forgot the rule. Yeah...that's it! It's my memories fault. Not mine." Not that this back rationalizing really works to shed the guilt, but then, what really does? It's not like Pride makes the most logical choices.
So one of the rules that I broke recently is partially the title of my first blog. It's an old rule, but still a good one. It's not the most important rule that I broke as I broke several lately. However, this rule would have saved me more than once lately and it is applicable to many situations. So I thought I would share it first. "Never click "SEND" before a delayed proofread, especially when you are upset!" Seems pretty self-explanatory, and easy to remember. There was a lot of pain in my history that has inspired it's creation. However, I ignored it anyway.
There I was frustrated, insecure, and angry at a recent rejection...or rather what my delusional mind thought was a rejection. I was blasting through this email, typing away as I read phrases from my note pad. I could not quite recall a few of the words that I wanted so I substituted, thinking "I'll change them later, but this is a good place holder?" Finally, when I got to the end, I thought to myself "That's about everything I need to say." Then I moved the pointer to the "SEND" button. A little voice, way in the back, says "Wait!..." But my finger was already in motion and my fate was sealed..."CLICK". It happens just that fast. Then the little voice gets louder and finishes it's sentence "STOP!...THE RULE!!!...Walk Away, Delay, THEN PROOFREAD!!!" Too late! Time had already swept the option away from me. Exhale. Fuck!
Then (and this is where it really gets bad) I notice that I forgotten to flip the page on the note pad over. So in what might be one of my most idiotic decisions...no doubt, driven by a tendency to seek perfection in my already quite complete doom...I begin a second email entitled "Furthermore,..." I then composed a 2nd email and sent it away as fast as I could. Idiocy knows no limitations.
By the time I got back to the "IN BOX" page, she had already replied. Damn smart phones! As it turns out...had I simply followed the rule by walking away and waiting. Then proof reading. It is likely that this story would have had a happy ending and this blog would never have been started. Because you see, she had already accepted my apology from an earlier blunder, but she was busy and had not found the time to reply. Alternately, had I waited a few more minutes, then as usual I would have had second thoughts and deleted or at least cleansed the tone of the email. When I screw up, I do it with passion. As it went out, rereading it now, I sounded like a raving preachy lunatic.
So why did I ignore the little voice in that split second that I had a chance? I think because, time heals all wounds. It had been too long since the last time I violated the rule. The pain was not fresh enough to save me.
Hours later, pacing around...I had what I hope to be a life changing experience. I realized that perhaps I could extract some good from this experience as well as any future blunders. So I made the decision to change my thinking and adopt the recommendation from the very same person of whom I have wronged so thoroughly. I decided to start this blog.
Well, I'm getting sleepy. Perhaps this is a good place to stop for now.
Goodnight,
ED- :-(
PS. I really fucked up a rare opportunity. I never laid eyes on her and I likely never will. While that is sad, what is most unfortunate, is that I drove away the first friend that I actually felt so connected to...that I could share everything that is me. She felt similarly. Ironically, I suspect that knowing this and feeling the powerful connection is what influenced my prior idiotic state. I will describe this more in later posts. That behavior desperately needs to inspire more rules of conduct...such as not talking down to people just because you are upset.
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