I just wanted to update this for my own completeness. I'm am too busy with other issues in my life to mess with romantic endeavors of any kind. So I have currently adopted a policy of "Total Abstinence and Avoidance" regarding romantic/sexual interaction. Thus I have disabled my online profiles and won't be starting up any virtual crushes in the near future.
ED- busy
Erotic Deviance
No more dark alleys for me.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Very busy lately with work and some personal issues, continuing to learn about NF-1
I've been super busy with work and personal situations outside the scope of this blog. I have not had the time to attempt to make any new contacts online. I do not foresee having the time to pursue this soon. Likewise in my personal life I see opportunities for engaging women in romantic/sexual relationships, however I ignore the IOI's because I am on my hiatus and I do not have the time or money to pursue that at this time. Additionally, the interest usually comes from women that I deal with regularly in public at places that I frequent. I have learned my lesson about that. If you pursue romance with say a bank teller, then it creates an awkward situation, plus she sees your finances. Then if it does not work out...well, that is even more awkward because you know all the tellers are talking about your faults etc. So I have a rule "Don't mess with the women on your beaten path or in your own backyard." The latter meaning work and neighborhood. There is nothing like bringing a date home and having your ex-GF across the way shooting you the finger or screaming obscenities at you. "Why did that woman shoot the bird at you and spray the car with the hose as we drove by?" LOL
NF-1 and I are continuing to email and getting to know each other. We have a lot in common but we also have some major incompatibilities too. That is probably for the best as it helps me adhere to my hiatus. She bought a mini-school bus and converted it for personal travel use. She did most of the work herself....impressive. I have similar interests but no time.
Well back to work,
ED- busy busy
PS. I may have noted this before but it's important so I will be repetitious. I also need to add it to the tidbits of wisdom side bar. "Every experience is rewarding if we can analyze the results and determine what changes are appropriate to skew the results of the next attempt in our favor."
NF-1 and I are continuing to email and getting to know each other. We have a lot in common but we also have some major incompatibilities too. That is probably for the best as it helps me adhere to my hiatus. She bought a mini-school bus and converted it for personal travel use. She did most of the work herself....impressive. I have similar interests but no time.
Well back to work,
ED- busy busy
PS. I may have noted this before but it's important so I will be repetitious. I also need to add it to the tidbits of wisdom side bar. "Every experience is rewarding if we can analyze the results and determine what changes are appropriate to skew the results of the next attempt in our favor."
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Friendly Updates: VC-2 Transitions, ETL-1 MIA, NF-1 New Friend
I think the key theme for this past week was friends. That's a really good thing because I place a higher value on friendships then I do on romances. Sometimes one leads to the other, but ultimately friends are more important to me than sexual partners. Perhaps because I prefer intellectual intimacy over sexual intimacy. That is curiously ironic coming from a guy who has studied human sexuality for over 20 years. With out a doubt, the combination of the two is ideal.
VC-2 and I exchanged a few emails this week and cleared most of the bad air between us. The short of it is, that under the stress of rapidly building emotions, we both goofed up. Sometimes that happens. I take most of the blame. No doubt, I could have handled it better and I chose not to based on my pride. That being established, we both made incorrect assumptions...failed to communicate candidly...had agenda/need conflicts, expectation mismatches...and subsequently made some poor decisions based, to some extent, on our prides. We are both in transition periods and so we decided to wait until June/July of 2011 and let time cleanse us of the present negativity. I expect/hope that someday we will have a strong friendship. That makes me quite pleased & content. :-) Because we have spent a lot of time together in the real world, she is no longer virtual to me. Thus in keeping with the trend that I set with VC-1, I will no longer be including VC-2 in this blog. Lastly, she is unaware of this blogs existence and I see no reason to enlighten her at this time. In the future, I suspect that she may find it interesting if not fascinating since we both study human sexuality & relationships.
ETL-1 (Eager To Learn) went MIA. I'm not surprised and it's not the first time. Typical of younger women. I am a bit disappointed perhaps. She was fun. :-(
NF-1. NF = New Friend. I'm defining that here and now as the result of getting to know more about the wandering Unix programmer who I will subsequently refer to as NF-1. I will be sharing the link of this blog with her shortly. She has blogging experience and has granted me permission to include her in posts. The more we share, the more we seem to have in common. Sometimes you begin to interact with people and shortly after, you can see how they will likely fit into your life. Some people call it compartmentalizing relationships. NF-1 is allusive in my ability to compartmentalize her. We have some conflicting issues but we also have many commonalities to motivate us to seek solutions. At the very least, I expect our relationship to be mutually rewarding in what ever form it may take. What more can you ask for? But for now, she goes in the New Friends folder. :-)
In summary, I worked on some prior relationships this week and began the repair process with VC-2. ETL-1 went MIA again. I am getting to know NF-1 and I'm both intrigued and pleased.
Later,
ED- very friendly mood
VC-2 and I exchanged a few emails this week and cleared most of the bad air between us. The short of it is, that under the stress of rapidly building emotions, we both goofed up. Sometimes that happens. I take most of the blame. No doubt, I could have handled it better and I chose not to based on my pride. That being established, we both made incorrect assumptions...failed to communicate candidly...had agenda/need conflicts, expectation mismatches...and subsequently made some poor decisions based, to some extent, on our prides. We are both in transition periods and so we decided to wait until June/July of 2011 and let time cleanse us of the present negativity. I expect/hope that someday we will have a strong friendship. That makes me quite pleased & content. :-) Because we have spent a lot of time together in the real world, she is no longer virtual to me. Thus in keeping with the trend that I set with VC-1, I will no longer be including VC-2 in this blog. Lastly, she is unaware of this blogs existence and I see no reason to enlighten her at this time. In the future, I suspect that she may find it interesting if not fascinating since we both study human sexuality & relationships.
ETL-1 (Eager To Learn) went MIA. I'm not surprised and it's not the first time. Typical of younger women. I am a bit disappointed perhaps. She was fun. :-(
NF-1. NF = New Friend. I'm defining that here and now as the result of getting to know more about the wandering Unix programmer who I will subsequently refer to as NF-1. I will be sharing the link of this blog with her shortly. She has blogging experience and has granted me permission to include her in posts. The more we share, the more we seem to have in common. Sometimes you begin to interact with people and shortly after, you can see how they will likely fit into your life. Some people call it compartmentalizing relationships. NF-1 is allusive in my ability to compartmentalize her. We have some conflicting issues but we also have many commonalities to motivate us to seek solutions. At the very least, I expect our relationship to be mutually rewarding in what ever form it may take. What more can you ask for? But for now, she goes in the New Friends folder. :-)
In summary, I worked on some prior relationships this week and began the repair process with VC-2. ETL-1 went MIA again. I am getting to know NF-1 and I'm both intrigued and pleased.
Later,
ED- very friendly mood
Friday, October 22, 2010
Blessed By A Little Ray Of Sunshine...VC-1
Have you ever known anyone that was a little ray of sunshine?
I am so blessed to have met my first virtual crush (VC-1) online...perhaps a year ago. I can't seem to find the original emails so I can't be sure. I call her a little ray of sunshine because she brightens the lives of the people around her. There is something that I can't quite define about her that I find so endearing. She has many attractive qualities including a cheerful attitude and a bright, broad intellect. But there is more to her charm that is just outside my cognitive grasp. I definitely feel connected to her and that may be part of it. But she has a mystical spark, that after every phone call, I have a smile plastered on my face for the rest of the day. It does not seem to matter what we talk about either....which could be anything.
Today for instance, I told her that she was my first Virtual Crush. I then explained my fascination with the whole concept of virtual crushes and told her about this blog. Now that I think about it. She might be the only person that I would consider sharing all my various blogs with because I know that she has knowledge about each topic. She is more of a reader than I am and she never fails to surprise me.
Take today for instance...I mentioned a book that I just started reading about using trances to enhance sexual pleasure during BDSM activities. I mentioned it because as I was finishing the Introduction, I thought to myself, "if anyone that I know has read this book then I bet it would be VC-1." Sure enough she owns it too.
She is also a switch in the D/s BDSM TOP/bottom sense of the word. We are both very health conscious and she is nearly gluten free. Unfortunately, I am on a sexual hiatus and we live over a 1000 miles apart. :-(
The possibilities are quite intriguing to think about. I often do.
We did go through a rough patch in the road which was quite honestly my fault. Yes, its a common theme with me apparently. When I am smitten, I sometimes make some stupid mistakes. However, she is a strong woman and she quite sternly put me in my place. At the time it did not feel like a blessing, but it truly was. She introduced me to the concept of "Namaste" while she gave me a verbal thrashing that I so desperately deserved. In using "Namaste" I understood that she was saying "Although I am very upset with your behavior and I find it intolerable, I ultimately know that there is good within you and the goodness in me respects the goodness in you." That kept me in the right frame of mind and I took what she was saying to heart with great respect. She was right.
She is no longer in the Virtual Crush classification because we have met face-to-face in the real world. I know what she smells like and I know what it feels like to hold her in my arms, on a warm summer night. There is nothing virtual or imaginary about my mental images of VC-1. Above all else, she is my dear friend. However, our lives may play out in the future, I hope our friendship continues to grow stronger.
I have recently learned an important lesson about blogs and I discussed it with VC-1 who is also a writer/blogger. Although most people desire to find that special person who will accept them and all their thoughts openly, it is not realistic in many cases to expect that they will do this via a public forum such as blogs. Regardless of the fact that it may be anonymous, pride is always at stake. In an ideal world, perhaps we would not be slaves to our pride and we could be completely candid in public without hurting other people and our relationships. However, that is not reality in any of today's worlds. Therefore, I will refrain from posting the details of my continuing relationships with Virtual Crushes once they have transitioned to the real world by our first face-to-face meeting. I will also be considerate of their feelings as best I can. That's what I would want other to do for me.
I just wanted to be thorough and back notate my first Virtual Crush and the resultant friendship.
ED- blessed and grateful
I am so blessed to have met my first virtual crush (VC-1) online...perhaps a year ago. I can't seem to find the original emails so I can't be sure. I call her a little ray of sunshine because she brightens the lives of the people around her. There is something that I can't quite define about her that I find so endearing. She has many attractive qualities including a cheerful attitude and a bright, broad intellect. But there is more to her charm that is just outside my cognitive grasp. I definitely feel connected to her and that may be part of it. But she has a mystical spark, that after every phone call, I have a smile plastered on my face for the rest of the day. It does not seem to matter what we talk about either....which could be anything.
Today for instance, I told her that she was my first Virtual Crush. I then explained my fascination with the whole concept of virtual crushes and told her about this blog. Now that I think about it. She might be the only person that I would consider sharing all my various blogs with because I know that she has knowledge about each topic. She is more of a reader than I am and she never fails to surprise me.
Take today for instance...I mentioned a book that I just started reading about using trances to enhance sexual pleasure during BDSM activities. I mentioned it because as I was finishing the Introduction, I thought to myself, "if anyone that I know has read this book then I bet it would be VC-1." Sure enough she owns it too.
She is also a switch in the D/s BDSM TOP/bottom sense of the word. We are both very health conscious and she is nearly gluten free. Unfortunately, I am on a sexual hiatus and we live over a 1000 miles apart. :-(
The possibilities are quite intriguing to think about. I often do.
We did go through a rough patch in the road which was quite honestly my fault. Yes, its a common theme with me apparently. When I am smitten, I sometimes make some stupid mistakes. However, she is a strong woman and she quite sternly put me in my place. At the time it did not feel like a blessing, but it truly was. She introduced me to the concept of "Namaste" while she gave me a verbal thrashing that I so desperately deserved. In using "Namaste" I understood that she was saying "Although I am very upset with your behavior and I find it intolerable, I ultimately know that there is good within you and the goodness in me respects the goodness in you." That kept me in the right frame of mind and I took what she was saying to heart with great respect. She was right.
She is no longer in the Virtual Crush classification because we have met face-to-face in the real world. I know what she smells like and I know what it feels like to hold her in my arms, on a warm summer night. There is nothing virtual or imaginary about my mental images of VC-1. Above all else, she is my dear friend. However, our lives may play out in the future, I hope our friendship continues to grow stronger.
I have recently learned an important lesson about blogs and I discussed it with VC-1 who is also a writer/blogger. Although most people desire to find that special person who will accept them and all their thoughts openly, it is not realistic in many cases to expect that they will do this via a public forum such as blogs. Regardless of the fact that it may be anonymous, pride is always at stake. In an ideal world, perhaps we would not be slaves to our pride and we could be completely candid in public without hurting other people and our relationships. However, that is not reality in any of today's worlds. Therefore, I will refrain from posting the details of my continuing relationships with Virtual Crushes once they have transitioned to the real world by our first face-to-face meeting. I will also be considerate of their feelings as best I can. That's what I would want other to do for me.
I just wanted to be thorough and back notate my first Virtual Crush and the resultant friendship.
ED- blessed and grateful
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Window Left Cracked Open For A Reason, VC-2
Yesterday, I re-initiated contact with VC-2 who was my second Virtual Crush...hence the name. She originally contacted me via an online "Friends Only" marked profile, just wanting to discuss human sexuality. I'm not hard to convince since that is my favorite topic. :-) And so began our relationship. It was rocky in the first few days but we survived the push-pull trials.
Well, we connected strongly and in no time I was smitten with a full blown crush. She was the first person that I ever got tingles all over my body for just from a few words in an email. I can't explain it in cognitive neuroscience terms...yet anyway. None-the-less it was powerful, exhilarating and yummy. She inspired me to do things I had never done before. Not so much wild and crazy bdsm stuff, just more funny embarrassing stuff. BTW, ginger and bananas can go together nicely. You can fill in the blanks.
Since she lives locally, about 45 miles away, we quickly broke out of the virtual crush into the real world. Now to refresh anyone jumping in new here, I am on a sexual hiatus after recently exiting my divorce. This put a lot of strain on our relationship development as you might imagine. I spent some time at her house and we got very comfy, even kissed. I quickly realized that my hiatus was in jeopardy and pulled back. I have been very been very busy business wise the last few years and so I had no problem immersing myself in my own work and personal problems. At this time I am unclear exactly what happened, but our relationship came to a screeching halt one day. Neither of us said anything or did anything so hurtful as to destroy the rapport we had built, but we are both creatures that are slaves to our pride. And so we let Pride Dominate as usual. Instead of working out our issues, we just shut down.
Well I had left my Louise Hay Healing Yourself DVD at her house. I had just received it and we wanted to watch it together one night, after dinner, but we yacked the night away instead. So it sat there waiting to heal us. When we had our falling out, VC-2 said that she would mail it back to me. I told her to watch it first.
Well, it never showed up. I figured USPS just lost it as they have so many other parcels. Every time I filled my Amazon cart, I would contemplate replacing it. Each time, I decided to hold onto hope. I suppose a part of me also wanted to keep the window between us cracked open. Well, the DVD apparently did just that.
Yesterday, I started questioning, "How much longer do I need to carry this hope & confusion around." I suppose perhaps, I also wanted closure one way or the other. :-/
Then I thought about how much fun we had just talking, laughing and hanging out. So I thought "Her friendship is worth trying again."
So that is what I did. I sent VC-2 an email and asked she would like to discuss what happened.
Well, I got no response all day. Time tortured me. Then finally around 9:30P, I could not stand it anymore and grasped for closure. So I sent an email basically saying "Well, you did not respond so I guess I got my answer. Farewell."
Turns out that she had been in her women's support group and could not respond, however they were discussing me. Once again, why couldn't I wait a bit longer? This is a common problem. I also violated rule #101 again! Rule #101 Never Click "Send" When Your Upset...
Well, she later emailed back and said that she wanted each of us to define our relation ship needs and goals. So I sent her a letter explaining what I thought happened...that I wanted to be good platonic friends...and that I wanted to put a friendship safeguard in place to prevent this from happening again. She asked if she could have until Firday to let me know. I told her to take as much time as she needed.
Then at 1AM I went for a walk to dry up the tears. I subsequently crashed for the night and slept pretty well.
BTW, Did I mention yet, that I have no set sleep pattern? I tend to be primarily nocturnal, but work forces me to be awake some of the day. I can go days without sleep when needed. I've always been like that. I suspect that it goes back to fluoride induced damage to my pineal gland in as a young child. I was given fluoride supplement rinses for my teeth. I swallowed the stuff instead of just rinsing thinking it would work better. I was probably right but at that time we did not know that fluoride causes damage to the pineal gland that regulates the endocrine system. The syndrome I mention also explains the precocious puberty that I experienced. Oh well, both issues have shaped who I am and I would not trade them.
Until next time,
ED - fingers and toes crossed
Well, we connected strongly and in no time I was smitten with a full blown crush. She was the first person that I ever got tingles all over my body for just from a few words in an email. I can't explain it in cognitive neuroscience terms...yet anyway. None-the-less it was powerful, exhilarating and yummy. She inspired me to do things I had never done before. Not so much wild and crazy bdsm stuff, just more funny embarrassing stuff. BTW, ginger and bananas can go together nicely. You can fill in the blanks.
Since she lives locally, about 45 miles away, we quickly broke out of the virtual crush into the real world. Now to refresh anyone jumping in new here, I am on a sexual hiatus after recently exiting my divorce. This put a lot of strain on our relationship development as you might imagine. I spent some time at her house and we got very comfy, even kissed. I quickly realized that my hiatus was in jeopardy and pulled back. I have been very been very busy business wise the last few years and so I had no problem immersing myself in my own work and personal problems. At this time I am unclear exactly what happened, but our relationship came to a screeching halt one day. Neither of us said anything or did anything so hurtful as to destroy the rapport we had built, but we are both creatures that are slaves to our pride. And so we let Pride Dominate as usual. Instead of working out our issues, we just shut down.
Well I had left my Louise Hay Healing Yourself DVD at her house. I had just received it and we wanted to watch it together one night, after dinner, but we yacked the night away instead. So it sat there waiting to heal us. When we had our falling out, VC-2 said that she would mail it back to me. I told her to watch it first.
Well, it never showed up. I figured USPS just lost it as they have so many other parcels. Every time I filled my Amazon cart, I would contemplate replacing it. Each time, I decided to hold onto hope. I suppose a part of me also wanted to keep the window between us cracked open. Well, the DVD apparently did just that.
Yesterday, I started questioning, "How much longer do I need to carry this hope & confusion around." I suppose perhaps, I also wanted closure one way or the other. :-/
Then I thought about how much fun we had just talking, laughing and hanging out. So I thought "Her friendship is worth trying again."
So that is what I did. I sent VC-2 an email and asked she would like to discuss what happened.
Well, I got no response all day. Time tortured me. Then finally around 9:30P, I could not stand it anymore and grasped for closure. So I sent an email basically saying "Well, you did not respond so I guess I got my answer. Farewell."
Turns out that she had been in her women's support group and could not respond, however they were discussing me. Once again, why couldn't I wait a bit longer? This is a common problem. I also violated rule #101 again! Rule #101 Never Click "Send" When Your Upset...
Well, she later emailed back and said that she wanted each of us to define our relation ship needs and goals. So I sent her a letter explaining what I thought happened...that I wanted to be good platonic friends...and that I wanted to put a friendship safeguard in place to prevent this from happening again. She asked if she could have until Firday to let me know. I told her to take as much time as she needed.
Then at 1AM I went for a walk to dry up the tears. I subsequently crashed for the night and slept pretty well.
BTW, Did I mention yet, that I have no set sleep pattern? I tend to be primarily nocturnal, but work forces me to be awake some of the day. I can go days without sleep when needed. I've always been like that. I suspect that it goes back to fluoride induced damage to my pineal gland in as a young child. I was given fluoride supplement rinses for my teeth. I swallowed the stuff instead of just rinsing thinking it would work better. I was probably right but at that time we did not know that fluoride causes damage to the pineal gland that regulates the endocrine system. The syndrome I mention also explains the precocious puberty that I experienced. Oh well, both issues have shaped who I am and I would not trade them.
Until next time,
ED - fingers and toes crossed
Blog Focus Decisions
Ultimately, this blog is for me. Therefore I will be streaming my thoughts a lot and it may be very dry and boring sometimes. I will try to spruce it up a bit, for my own enjoyment too. I will also censor some of my thoughts, language and topics as some of the people who read this are involved. I do not wish to recklessly cause harm with my thoughts. I realize that it is somewhat inevitable but at least, perhaps, I can reduce the impact level and frequency.
I plan to have blogs in the future that are written more for other readers and I will try to be more entertaining. But not here. This is my first blog and it's where I intend to chronicle my experiences with virtual crushes & subsequent virtual relationships, especially those that contain kinky sex, D/s, BDSM content. Although I will undoubtedly include content that applies to relationships broadly, I want to make VCs with D/s BDSM my narrow focus for several reasons.
First, the virtual crush is still new and it fascinates me. Because of my long time interest in cognition, relationships and Artificial General Intelligence (AGI), I am quite curious about how infatuation can be triggered so intensely via text invoked imagination only. This would seem to bypass some of the components of the current models for attraction as the mind must fill in many of the blanks for the models to hold up. Some of the newer but less scientifically derived models of online generated attraction will analyzed and scrutinized along the way.
Second, I have a life-time interest in kinky sex, D/s, & bdsm. The concept of remote control D/s is of particular interest to me. In many ways, this could be very practical and there are examples of people who are making this work to enrich their lives. I don't have any idea if it will work for me, but I suspect that I will eventually find out. :-)
Third, I am afflicted with Gluten Sensitivity/Intolerance. That means that my immune system detects the protein gluten as a foreign pathogen and launches an immune system attack response if I ingest even the tiniest amount. Gluten is the protein in wheat and some other grains that makes it sticky which helps bread to rise. My immune system response so sensitive that I can't even breathe any wheat dust into my throat without getting a rash and emptying out my innards. Luckily, I do not go into anaphylactic shock from it. But the rash itches like poison ivy and lasts for days. Unfortunately, I can't even kiss a woman that eats wheat products or uses most makeup. Yes, even makeup has gluten unless it is specifically formulated and certified to be gluten free. The point is that this restriction has put a huge damper on the availability of women for real world sexual interaction. Thus emerged the virtual world.
The 4th reason that the virtual crush has taken on such importance to me is because I am currently on a 24 month sexual sabbatical (hiatus) during post divorce recovery and growth period. I exited my marriage with a lot of emotional and financial baggage. It would not be fair to drag that into a new relationship. I also need to learn some better relationship & communication skills to avert the problems that plagued my marriage.
So being a social person with strong desire to connect and be romantic, yet unable to in the real world, the Virtual Crush and any subsequent evolving relationships has become intriguing and attractive to me.
Additionally, I will be amending my introductory statement somewhat to reflect the narrow focus.
That raps up this ramble,
ED - focusing
I plan to have blogs in the future that are written more for other readers and I will try to be more entertaining. But not here. This is my first blog and it's where I intend to chronicle my experiences with virtual crushes & subsequent virtual relationships, especially those that contain kinky sex, D/s, BDSM content. Although I will undoubtedly include content that applies to relationships broadly, I want to make VCs with D/s BDSM my narrow focus for several reasons.
First, the virtual crush is still new and it fascinates me. Because of my long time interest in cognition, relationships and Artificial General Intelligence (AGI), I am quite curious about how infatuation can be triggered so intensely via text invoked imagination only. This would seem to bypass some of the components of the current models for attraction as the mind must fill in many of the blanks for the models to hold up. Some of the newer but less scientifically derived models of online generated attraction will analyzed and scrutinized along the way.
Second, I have a life-time interest in kinky sex, D/s, & bdsm. The concept of remote control D/s is of particular interest to me. In many ways, this could be very practical and there are examples of people who are making this work to enrich their lives. I don't have any idea if it will work for me, but I suspect that I will eventually find out. :-)
Third, I am afflicted with Gluten Sensitivity/Intolerance. That means that my immune system detects the protein gluten as a foreign pathogen and launches an immune system attack response if I ingest even the tiniest amount. Gluten is the protein in wheat and some other grains that makes it sticky which helps bread to rise. My immune system response so sensitive that I can't even breathe any wheat dust into my throat without getting a rash and emptying out my innards. Luckily, I do not go into anaphylactic shock from it. But the rash itches like poison ivy and lasts for days. Unfortunately, I can't even kiss a woman that eats wheat products or uses most makeup. Yes, even makeup has gluten unless it is specifically formulated and certified to be gluten free. The point is that this restriction has put a huge damper on the availability of women for real world sexual interaction. Thus emerged the virtual world.
The 4th reason that the virtual crush has taken on such importance to me is because I am currently on a 24 month sexual sabbatical (hiatus) during post divorce recovery and growth period. I exited my marriage with a lot of emotional and financial baggage. It would not be fair to drag that into a new relationship. I also need to learn some better relationship & communication skills to avert the problems that plagued my marriage.
So being a social person with strong desire to connect and be romantic, yet unable to in the real world, the Virtual Crush and any subsequent evolving relationships has become intriguing and attractive to me.
Additionally, I will be amending my introductory statement somewhat to reflect the narrow focus.
That raps up this ramble,
ED - focusing
Monday, October 18, 2010
List Of Red Flags For Women To Look For And Run If They See Them
Here is a list that I accidentally stumbled onto of red flags for women to look for to spot narcissists & sociopaths. I just thought it fit in with the relationship advice theme of this blog. This list came from a woman who was married to a narcissist and posted this on another blog as a comment.
She said that if women see these flags then they should run from the men. Most of these are clearly not healthy Dominant behavior. IMO, these are signs of a very abusive relationship not consensual D/s BDSM relationships. I think it is important to note that one or 2 of these red flags may not indicate sociopathic behavior because in a D/s relationship, I would not necessarily consider it abnormal for a woman to be told to wear certain jewelry, clothing or less makeup...assuming that the decision making had been consensually handed over to the Dom. The key is did the woman having sound mind, exercising free will...hand over these choices to a Dominant man or did he attempt to seize control? To me that's the difference, does the woman seek to submit choices about her life to a man or is he trying to seize control. I'm sure that people unfamiliar with the dynamics of D/s relationships may find all this to be appalling. Look at it from another perspective, some women tend to go overboard with clothing, makeup, etc. out of insecurities or a shopping addiction & may need help making decisions. If you don't believe me then go hang out at a shopping mall and or Wal-Mart for a while.
I suggest these be used as warning signs and if seen in clusters then be very cautious. Use common sense and get outside opinions from your friends & family if possible. They usually have a better perspective. It should be taken into account that D/s relationships create an environment and dynamics that will be viewed as unhealthy by many who lead vanilla lifestyles.
Red flags
1) Needing to be around you as much as possible and knowing where you are at all times.
2) Refusing to have any meaningful social life, even with his own family.
3) Telling you what to wear and advising what is “appropriate clothing” for you.
4) Requesting that you spend all your free time with him and NONE with friends. (In the beginning, you can see friends on a limited basis, but he has to be there.)
5) Absolutely NO male friends or hugging any male.
6) Dictating what you look like, i.e., you should wear glasses instead of contact lenses, less makeup, less jewelry, etc.
7) No more going to the gym, men might look at you there while exercising.
8) Outright anger when you join a church or any other “institution.” The REAL issue is…he is afraid a priest or other “authority” will tell you what to do and “control” you.
9) Encouraging you to engage in unhealthy habits like not losing weight. They use these “bad habits” later to criticize you.
10) You cannot be “too friendly.” People might get the “wrong idea,” especially MEN.
11) You have the feeling of walking on eggshells, waiting for a blow-up if you say the wrong thing or say the right thing in a way he does not like.
12) You know he thinks he is smarter and better than others by his almost constant criticism of others…words like “idiot” and “slow learner” are a common part of his everyday language as he discusses others.
13) He loves the thrill of a good “fight” with nearly anyone, but when he perceives himself as the loser, he is a very poor one and there are always rationalizations for WHY he lost and they have nothing to do with HIM, of course.
14) He acts like he cares what you think, gives lip service to being “liberal” and open minded but his actions are the opposite.
15) He thinks absolutely NOTHING of lying and will take advantage of anyone at anytime if it furthers his goals.
16) You have never met anyone like him…he does things that no one else does…his behavior is simply outrageous to others and they shake their heads and say what GALL!
17) The rules do NOT EVER apply to him…he is above them.
18) He resents, on many levels, having to care for his children unless a woman is around to take on most of the “burden.”
19) He often “forgets” what he is supposed to do for his children (especially when it involves anything to do with money).
20) He says things that simply make NO sense and you, as a rational, logical person, just cannot quite figure it out.
21) He shows up with no notice at your job or home (no common sense of courtesy).
22) When he thinks he is being rejected, he calls, emails, comes to your home or job obsessively and often actually stalks.
23) Early in the relationship you are his “whole world” and he does not want to spend any time with anyone but you.
24) He seldom thanks anyone for anything.
25) These men are VERY adept at fooling others…everyone thinks they are just great and love you so much…BEWARE!
If anyone else has more input please comment or email it.
ED
She said that if women see these flags then they should run from the men. Most of these are clearly not healthy Dominant behavior. IMO, these are signs of a very abusive relationship not consensual D/s BDSM relationships. I think it is important to note that one or 2 of these red flags may not indicate sociopathic behavior because in a D/s relationship, I would not necessarily consider it abnormal for a woman to be told to wear certain jewelry, clothing or less makeup...assuming that the decision making had been consensually handed over to the Dom. The key is did the woman having sound mind, exercising free will...hand over these choices to a Dominant man or did he attempt to seize control? To me that's the difference, does the woman seek to submit choices about her life to a man or is he trying to seize control. I'm sure that people unfamiliar with the dynamics of D/s relationships may find all this to be appalling. Look at it from another perspective, some women tend to go overboard with clothing, makeup, etc. out of insecurities or a shopping addiction & may need help making decisions. If you don't believe me then go hang out at a shopping mall and or Wal-Mart for a while.
I suggest these be used as warning signs and if seen in clusters then be very cautious. Use common sense and get outside opinions from your friends & family if possible. They usually have a better perspective. It should be taken into account that D/s relationships create an environment and dynamics that will be viewed as unhealthy by many who lead vanilla lifestyles.
Red flags
1) Needing to be around you as much as possible and knowing where you are at all times.
2) Refusing to have any meaningful social life, even with his own family.
3) Telling you what to wear and advising what is “appropriate clothing” for you.
4) Requesting that you spend all your free time with him and NONE with friends. (In the beginning, you can see friends on a limited basis, but he has to be there.)
5) Absolutely NO male friends or hugging any male.
6) Dictating what you look like, i.e., you should wear glasses instead of contact lenses, less makeup, less jewelry, etc.
7) No more going to the gym, men might look at you there while exercising.
8) Outright anger when you join a church or any other “institution.” The REAL issue is…he is afraid a priest or other “authority” will tell you what to do and “control” you.
9) Encouraging you to engage in unhealthy habits like not losing weight. They use these “bad habits” later to criticize you.
10) You cannot be “too friendly.” People might get the “wrong idea,” especially MEN.
11) You have the feeling of walking on eggshells, waiting for a blow-up if you say the wrong thing or say the right thing in a way he does not like.
12) You know he thinks he is smarter and better than others by his almost constant criticism of others…words like “idiot” and “slow learner” are a common part of his everyday language as he discusses others.
13) He loves the thrill of a good “fight” with nearly anyone, but when he perceives himself as the loser, he is a very poor one and there are always rationalizations for WHY he lost and they have nothing to do with HIM, of course.
14) He acts like he cares what you think, gives lip service to being “liberal” and open minded but his actions are the opposite.
15) He thinks absolutely NOTHING of lying and will take advantage of anyone at anytime if it furthers his goals.
16) You have never met anyone like him…he does things that no one else does…his behavior is simply outrageous to others and they shake their heads and say what GALL!
17) The rules do NOT EVER apply to him…he is above them.
18) He resents, on many levels, having to care for his children unless a woman is around to take on most of the “burden.”
19) He often “forgets” what he is supposed to do for his children (especially when it involves anything to do with money).
20) He says things that simply make NO sense and you, as a rational, logical person, just cannot quite figure it out.
21) He shows up with no notice at your job or home (no common sense of courtesy).
22) When he thinks he is being rejected, he calls, emails, comes to your home or job obsessively and often actually stalks.
23) Early in the relationship you are his “whole world” and he does not want to spend any time with anyone but you.
24) He seldom thanks anyone for anything.
25) These men are VERY adept at fooling others…everyone thinks they are just great and love you so much…BEWARE!
If anyone else has more input please comment or email it.
ED
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