I just wanted to update this for my own completeness. I'm am too busy with other issues in my life to mess with romantic endeavors of any kind. So I have currently adopted a policy of "Total Abstinence and Avoidance" regarding romantic/sexual interaction. Thus I have disabled my online profiles and won't be starting up any virtual crushes in the near future.
ED- busy
Erotic Deviance
No more dark alleys for me.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Very busy lately with work and some personal issues, continuing to learn about NF-1
I've been super busy with work and personal situations outside the scope of this blog. I have not had the time to attempt to make any new contacts online. I do not foresee having the time to pursue this soon. Likewise in my personal life I see opportunities for engaging women in romantic/sexual relationships, however I ignore the IOI's because I am on my hiatus and I do not have the time or money to pursue that at this time. Additionally, the interest usually comes from women that I deal with regularly in public at places that I frequent. I have learned my lesson about that. If you pursue romance with say a bank teller, then it creates an awkward situation, plus she sees your finances. Then if it does not work out...well, that is even more awkward because you know all the tellers are talking about your faults etc. So I have a rule "Don't mess with the women on your beaten path or in your own backyard." The latter meaning work and neighborhood. There is nothing like bringing a date home and having your ex-GF across the way shooting you the finger or screaming obscenities at you. "Why did that woman shoot the bird at you and spray the car with the hose as we drove by?" LOL
NF-1 and I are continuing to email and getting to know each other. We have a lot in common but we also have some major incompatibilities too. That is probably for the best as it helps me adhere to my hiatus. She bought a mini-school bus and converted it for personal travel use. She did most of the work herself....impressive. I have similar interests but no time.
Well back to work,
ED- busy busy
PS. I may have noted this before but it's important so I will be repetitious. I also need to add it to the tidbits of wisdom side bar. "Every experience is rewarding if we can analyze the results and determine what changes are appropriate to skew the results of the next attempt in our favor."
NF-1 and I are continuing to email and getting to know each other. We have a lot in common but we also have some major incompatibilities too. That is probably for the best as it helps me adhere to my hiatus. She bought a mini-school bus and converted it for personal travel use. She did most of the work herself....impressive. I have similar interests but no time.
Well back to work,
ED- busy busy
PS. I may have noted this before but it's important so I will be repetitious. I also need to add it to the tidbits of wisdom side bar. "Every experience is rewarding if we can analyze the results and determine what changes are appropriate to skew the results of the next attempt in our favor."
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Friendly Updates: VC-2 Transitions, ETL-1 MIA, NF-1 New Friend
I think the key theme for this past week was friends. That's a really good thing because I place a higher value on friendships then I do on romances. Sometimes one leads to the other, but ultimately friends are more important to me than sexual partners. Perhaps because I prefer intellectual intimacy over sexual intimacy. That is curiously ironic coming from a guy who has studied human sexuality for over 20 years. With out a doubt, the combination of the two is ideal.
VC-2 and I exchanged a few emails this week and cleared most of the bad air between us. The short of it is, that under the stress of rapidly building emotions, we both goofed up. Sometimes that happens. I take most of the blame. No doubt, I could have handled it better and I chose not to based on my pride. That being established, we both made incorrect assumptions...failed to communicate candidly...had agenda/need conflicts, expectation mismatches...and subsequently made some poor decisions based, to some extent, on our prides. We are both in transition periods and so we decided to wait until June/July of 2011 and let time cleanse us of the present negativity. I expect/hope that someday we will have a strong friendship. That makes me quite pleased & content. :-) Because we have spent a lot of time together in the real world, she is no longer virtual to me. Thus in keeping with the trend that I set with VC-1, I will no longer be including VC-2 in this blog. Lastly, she is unaware of this blogs existence and I see no reason to enlighten her at this time. In the future, I suspect that she may find it interesting if not fascinating since we both study human sexuality & relationships.
ETL-1 (Eager To Learn) went MIA. I'm not surprised and it's not the first time. Typical of younger women. I am a bit disappointed perhaps. She was fun. :-(
NF-1. NF = New Friend. I'm defining that here and now as the result of getting to know more about the wandering Unix programmer who I will subsequently refer to as NF-1. I will be sharing the link of this blog with her shortly. She has blogging experience and has granted me permission to include her in posts. The more we share, the more we seem to have in common. Sometimes you begin to interact with people and shortly after, you can see how they will likely fit into your life. Some people call it compartmentalizing relationships. NF-1 is allusive in my ability to compartmentalize her. We have some conflicting issues but we also have many commonalities to motivate us to seek solutions. At the very least, I expect our relationship to be mutually rewarding in what ever form it may take. What more can you ask for? But for now, she goes in the New Friends folder. :-)
In summary, I worked on some prior relationships this week and began the repair process with VC-2. ETL-1 went MIA again. I am getting to know NF-1 and I'm both intrigued and pleased.
Later,
ED- very friendly mood
VC-2 and I exchanged a few emails this week and cleared most of the bad air between us. The short of it is, that under the stress of rapidly building emotions, we both goofed up. Sometimes that happens. I take most of the blame. No doubt, I could have handled it better and I chose not to based on my pride. That being established, we both made incorrect assumptions...failed to communicate candidly...had agenda/need conflicts, expectation mismatches...and subsequently made some poor decisions based, to some extent, on our prides. We are both in transition periods and so we decided to wait until June/July of 2011 and let time cleanse us of the present negativity. I expect/hope that someday we will have a strong friendship. That makes me quite pleased & content. :-) Because we have spent a lot of time together in the real world, she is no longer virtual to me. Thus in keeping with the trend that I set with VC-1, I will no longer be including VC-2 in this blog. Lastly, she is unaware of this blogs existence and I see no reason to enlighten her at this time. In the future, I suspect that she may find it interesting if not fascinating since we both study human sexuality & relationships.
ETL-1 (Eager To Learn) went MIA. I'm not surprised and it's not the first time. Typical of younger women. I am a bit disappointed perhaps. She was fun. :-(
NF-1. NF = New Friend. I'm defining that here and now as the result of getting to know more about the wandering Unix programmer who I will subsequently refer to as NF-1. I will be sharing the link of this blog with her shortly. She has blogging experience and has granted me permission to include her in posts. The more we share, the more we seem to have in common. Sometimes you begin to interact with people and shortly after, you can see how they will likely fit into your life. Some people call it compartmentalizing relationships. NF-1 is allusive in my ability to compartmentalize her. We have some conflicting issues but we also have many commonalities to motivate us to seek solutions. At the very least, I expect our relationship to be mutually rewarding in what ever form it may take. What more can you ask for? But for now, she goes in the New Friends folder. :-)
In summary, I worked on some prior relationships this week and began the repair process with VC-2. ETL-1 went MIA again. I am getting to know NF-1 and I'm both intrigued and pleased.
Later,
ED- very friendly mood
Friday, October 22, 2010
Blessed By A Little Ray Of Sunshine...VC-1
Have you ever known anyone that was a little ray of sunshine?
I am so blessed to have met my first virtual crush (VC-1) online...perhaps a year ago. I can't seem to find the original emails so I can't be sure. I call her a little ray of sunshine because she brightens the lives of the people around her. There is something that I can't quite define about her that I find so endearing. She has many attractive qualities including a cheerful attitude and a bright, broad intellect. But there is more to her charm that is just outside my cognitive grasp. I definitely feel connected to her and that may be part of it. But she has a mystical spark, that after every phone call, I have a smile plastered on my face for the rest of the day. It does not seem to matter what we talk about either....which could be anything.
Today for instance, I told her that she was my first Virtual Crush. I then explained my fascination with the whole concept of virtual crushes and told her about this blog. Now that I think about it. She might be the only person that I would consider sharing all my various blogs with because I know that she has knowledge about each topic. She is more of a reader than I am and she never fails to surprise me.
Take today for instance...I mentioned a book that I just started reading about using trances to enhance sexual pleasure during BDSM activities. I mentioned it because as I was finishing the Introduction, I thought to myself, "if anyone that I know has read this book then I bet it would be VC-1." Sure enough she owns it too.
She is also a switch in the D/s BDSM TOP/bottom sense of the word. We are both very health conscious and she is nearly gluten free. Unfortunately, I am on a sexual hiatus and we live over a 1000 miles apart. :-(
The possibilities are quite intriguing to think about. I often do.
We did go through a rough patch in the road which was quite honestly my fault. Yes, its a common theme with me apparently. When I am smitten, I sometimes make some stupid mistakes. However, she is a strong woman and she quite sternly put me in my place. At the time it did not feel like a blessing, but it truly was. She introduced me to the concept of "Namaste" while she gave me a verbal thrashing that I so desperately deserved. In using "Namaste" I understood that she was saying "Although I am very upset with your behavior and I find it intolerable, I ultimately know that there is good within you and the goodness in me respects the goodness in you." That kept me in the right frame of mind and I took what she was saying to heart with great respect. She was right.
She is no longer in the Virtual Crush classification because we have met face-to-face in the real world. I know what she smells like and I know what it feels like to hold her in my arms, on a warm summer night. There is nothing virtual or imaginary about my mental images of VC-1. Above all else, she is my dear friend. However, our lives may play out in the future, I hope our friendship continues to grow stronger.
I have recently learned an important lesson about blogs and I discussed it with VC-1 who is also a writer/blogger. Although most people desire to find that special person who will accept them and all their thoughts openly, it is not realistic in many cases to expect that they will do this via a public forum such as blogs. Regardless of the fact that it may be anonymous, pride is always at stake. In an ideal world, perhaps we would not be slaves to our pride and we could be completely candid in public without hurting other people and our relationships. However, that is not reality in any of today's worlds. Therefore, I will refrain from posting the details of my continuing relationships with Virtual Crushes once they have transitioned to the real world by our first face-to-face meeting. I will also be considerate of their feelings as best I can. That's what I would want other to do for me.
I just wanted to be thorough and back notate my first Virtual Crush and the resultant friendship.
ED- blessed and grateful
I am so blessed to have met my first virtual crush (VC-1) online...perhaps a year ago. I can't seem to find the original emails so I can't be sure. I call her a little ray of sunshine because she brightens the lives of the people around her. There is something that I can't quite define about her that I find so endearing. She has many attractive qualities including a cheerful attitude and a bright, broad intellect. But there is more to her charm that is just outside my cognitive grasp. I definitely feel connected to her and that may be part of it. But she has a mystical spark, that after every phone call, I have a smile plastered on my face for the rest of the day. It does not seem to matter what we talk about either....which could be anything.
Today for instance, I told her that she was my first Virtual Crush. I then explained my fascination with the whole concept of virtual crushes and told her about this blog. Now that I think about it. She might be the only person that I would consider sharing all my various blogs with because I know that she has knowledge about each topic. She is more of a reader than I am and she never fails to surprise me.
Take today for instance...I mentioned a book that I just started reading about using trances to enhance sexual pleasure during BDSM activities. I mentioned it because as I was finishing the Introduction, I thought to myself, "if anyone that I know has read this book then I bet it would be VC-1." Sure enough she owns it too.
She is also a switch in the D/s BDSM TOP/bottom sense of the word. We are both very health conscious and she is nearly gluten free. Unfortunately, I am on a sexual hiatus and we live over a 1000 miles apart. :-(
The possibilities are quite intriguing to think about. I often do.
We did go through a rough patch in the road which was quite honestly my fault. Yes, its a common theme with me apparently. When I am smitten, I sometimes make some stupid mistakes. However, she is a strong woman and she quite sternly put me in my place. At the time it did not feel like a blessing, but it truly was. She introduced me to the concept of "Namaste" while she gave me a verbal thrashing that I so desperately deserved. In using "Namaste" I understood that she was saying "Although I am very upset with your behavior and I find it intolerable, I ultimately know that there is good within you and the goodness in me respects the goodness in you." That kept me in the right frame of mind and I took what she was saying to heart with great respect. She was right.
She is no longer in the Virtual Crush classification because we have met face-to-face in the real world. I know what she smells like and I know what it feels like to hold her in my arms, on a warm summer night. There is nothing virtual or imaginary about my mental images of VC-1. Above all else, she is my dear friend. However, our lives may play out in the future, I hope our friendship continues to grow stronger.
I have recently learned an important lesson about blogs and I discussed it with VC-1 who is also a writer/blogger. Although most people desire to find that special person who will accept them and all their thoughts openly, it is not realistic in many cases to expect that they will do this via a public forum such as blogs. Regardless of the fact that it may be anonymous, pride is always at stake. In an ideal world, perhaps we would not be slaves to our pride and we could be completely candid in public without hurting other people and our relationships. However, that is not reality in any of today's worlds. Therefore, I will refrain from posting the details of my continuing relationships with Virtual Crushes once they have transitioned to the real world by our first face-to-face meeting. I will also be considerate of their feelings as best I can. That's what I would want other to do for me.
I just wanted to be thorough and back notate my first Virtual Crush and the resultant friendship.
ED- blessed and grateful
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Window Left Cracked Open For A Reason, VC-2
Yesterday, I re-initiated contact with VC-2 who was my second Virtual Crush...hence the name. She originally contacted me via an online "Friends Only" marked profile, just wanting to discuss human sexuality. I'm not hard to convince since that is my favorite topic. :-) And so began our relationship. It was rocky in the first few days but we survived the push-pull trials.
Well, we connected strongly and in no time I was smitten with a full blown crush. She was the first person that I ever got tingles all over my body for just from a few words in an email. I can't explain it in cognitive neuroscience terms...yet anyway. None-the-less it was powerful, exhilarating and yummy. She inspired me to do things I had never done before. Not so much wild and crazy bdsm stuff, just more funny embarrassing stuff. BTW, ginger and bananas can go together nicely. You can fill in the blanks.
Since she lives locally, about 45 miles away, we quickly broke out of the virtual crush into the real world. Now to refresh anyone jumping in new here, I am on a sexual hiatus after recently exiting my divorce. This put a lot of strain on our relationship development as you might imagine. I spent some time at her house and we got very comfy, even kissed. I quickly realized that my hiatus was in jeopardy and pulled back. I have been very been very busy business wise the last few years and so I had no problem immersing myself in my own work and personal problems. At this time I am unclear exactly what happened, but our relationship came to a screeching halt one day. Neither of us said anything or did anything so hurtful as to destroy the rapport we had built, but we are both creatures that are slaves to our pride. And so we let Pride Dominate as usual. Instead of working out our issues, we just shut down.
Well I had left my Louise Hay Healing Yourself DVD at her house. I had just received it and we wanted to watch it together one night, after dinner, but we yacked the night away instead. So it sat there waiting to heal us. When we had our falling out, VC-2 said that she would mail it back to me. I told her to watch it first.
Well, it never showed up. I figured USPS just lost it as they have so many other parcels. Every time I filled my Amazon cart, I would contemplate replacing it. Each time, I decided to hold onto hope. I suppose a part of me also wanted to keep the window between us cracked open. Well, the DVD apparently did just that.
Yesterday, I started questioning, "How much longer do I need to carry this hope & confusion around." I suppose perhaps, I also wanted closure one way or the other. :-/
Then I thought about how much fun we had just talking, laughing and hanging out. So I thought "Her friendship is worth trying again."
So that is what I did. I sent VC-2 an email and asked she would like to discuss what happened.
Well, I got no response all day. Time tortured me. Then finally around 9:30P, I could not stand it anymore and grasped for closure. So I sent an email basically saying "Well, you did not respond so I guess I got my answer. Farewell."
Turns out that she had been in her women's support group and could not respond, however they were discussing me. Once again, why couldn't I wait a bit longer? This is a common problem. I also violated rule #101 again! Rule #101 Never Click "Send" When Your Upset...
Well, she later emailed back and said that she wanted each of us to define our relation ship needs and goals. So I sent her a letter explaining what I thought happened...that I wanted to be good platonic friends...and that I wanted to put a friendship safeguard in place to prevent this from happening again. She asked if she could have until Firday to let me know. I told her to take as much time as she needed.
Then at 1AM I went for a walk to dry up the tears. I subsequently crashed for the night and slept pretty well.
BTW, Did I mention yet, that I have no set sleep pattern? I tend to be primarily nocturnal, but work forces me to be awake some of the day. I can go days without sleep when needed. I've always been like that. I suspect that it goes back to fluoride induced damage to my pineal gland in as a young child. I was given fluoride supplement rinses for my teeth. I swallowed the stuff instead of just rinsing thinking it would work better. I was probably right but at that time we did not know that fluoride causes damage to the pineal gland that regulates the endocrine system. The syndrome I mention also explains the precocious puberty that I experienced. Oh well, both issues have shaped who I am and I would not trade them.
Until next time,
ED - fingers and toes crossed
Well, we connected strongly and in no time I was smitten with a full blown crush. She was the first person that I ever got tingles all over my body for just from a few words in an email. I can't explain it in cognitive neuroscience terms...yet anyway. None-the-less it was powerful, exhilarating and yummy. She inspired me to do things I had never done before. Not so much wild and crazy bdsm stuff, just more funny embarrassing stuff. BTW, ginger and bananas can go together nicely. You can fill in the blanks.
Since she lives locally, about 45 miles away, we quickly broke out of the virtual crush into the real world. Now to refresh anyone jumping in new here, I am on a sexual hiatus after recently exiting my divorce. This put a lot of strain on our relationship development as you might imagine. I spent some time at her house and we got very comfy, even kissed. I quickly realized that my hiatus was in jeopardy and pulled back. I have been very been very busy business wise the last few years and so I had no problem immersing myself in my own work and personal problems. At this time I am unclear exactly what happened, but our relationship came to a screeching halt one day. Neither of us said anything or did anything so hurtful as to destroy the rapport we had built, but we are both creatures that are slaves to our pride. And so we let Pride Dominate as usual. Instead of working out our issues, we just shut down.
Well I had left my Louise Hay Healing Yourself DVD at her house. I had just received it and we wanted to watch it together one night, after dinner, but we yacked the night away instead. So it sat there waiting to heal us. When we had our falling out, VC-2 said that she would mail it back to me. I told her to watch it first.
Well, it never showed up. I figured USPS just lost it as they have so many other parcels. Every time I filled my Amazon cart, I would contemplate replacing it. Each time, I decided to hold onto hope. I suppose a part of me also wanted to keep the window between us cracked open. Well, the DVD apparently did just that.
Yesterday, I started questioning, "How much longer do I need to carry this hope & confusion around." I suppose perhaps, I also wanted closure one way or the other. :-/
Then I thought about how much fun we had just talking, laughing and hanging out. So I thought "Her friendship is worth trying again."
So that is what I did. I sent VC-2 an email and asked she would like to discuss what happened.
Well, I got no response all day. Time tortured me. Then finally around 9:30P, I could not stand it anymore and grasped for closure. So I sent an email basically saying "Well, you did not respond so I guess I got my answer. Farewell."
Turns out that she had been in her women's support group and could not respond, however they were discussing me. Once again, why couldn't I wait a bit longer? This is a common problem. I also violated rule #101 again! Rule #101 Never Click "Send" When Your Upset...
Well, she later emailed back and said that she wanted each of us to define our relation ship needs and goals. So I sent her a letter explaining what I thought happened...that I wanted to be good platonic friends...and that I wanted to put a friendship safeguard in place to prevent this from happening again. She asked if she could have until Firday to let me know. I told her to take as much time as she needed.
Then at 1AM I went for a walk to dry up the tears. I subsequently crashed for the night and slept pretty well.
BTW, Did I mention yet, that I have no set sleep pattern? I tend to be primarily nocturnal, but work forces me to be awake some of the day. I can go days without sleep when needed. I've always been like that. I suspect that it goes back to fluoride induced damage to my pineal gland in as a young child. I was given fluoride supplement rinses for my teeth. I swallowed the stuff instead of just rinsing thinking it would work better. I was probably right but at that time we did not know that fluoride causes damage to the pineal gland that regulates the endocrine system. The syndrome I mention also explains the precocious puberty that I experienced. Oh well, both issues have shaped who I am and I would not trade them.
Until next time,
ED - fingers and toes crossed
Blog Focus Decisions
Ultimately, this blog is for me. Therefore I will be streaming my thoughts a lot and it may be very dry and boring sometimes. I will try to spruce it up a bit, for my own enjoyment too. I will also censor some of my thoughts, language and topics as some of the people who read this are involved. I do not wish to recklessly cause harm with my thoughts. I realize that it is somewhat inevitable but at least, perhaps, I can reduce the impact level and frequency.
I plan to have blogs in the future that are written more for other readers and I will try to be more entertaining. But not here. This is my first blog and it's where I intend to chronicle my experiences with virtual crushes & subsequent virtual relationships, especially those that contain kinky sex, D/s, BDSM content. Although I will undoubtedly include content that applies to relationships broadly, I want to make VCs with D/s BDSM my narrow focus for several reasons.
First, the virtual crush is still new and it fascinates me. Because of my long time interest in cognition, relationships and Artificial General Intelligence (AGI), I am quite curious about how infatuation can be triggered so intensely via text invoked imagination only. This would seem to bypass some of the components of the current models for attraction as the mind must fill in many of the blanks for the models to hold up. Some of the newer but less scientifically derived models of online generated attraction will analyzed and scrutinized along the way.
Second, I have a life-time interest in kinky sex, D/s, & bdsm. The concept of remote control D/s is of particular interest to me. In many ways, this could be very practical and there are examples of people who are making this work to enrich their lives. I don't have any idea if it will work for me, but I suspect that I will eventually find out. :-)
Third, I am afflicted with Gluten Sensitivity/Intolerance. That means that my immune system detects the protein gluten as a foreign pathogen and launches an immune system attack response if I ingest even the tiniest amount. Gluten is the protein in wheat and some other grains that makes it sticky which helps bread to rise. My immune system response so sensitive that I can't even breathe any wheat dust into my throat without getting a rash and emptying out my innards. Luckily, I do not go into anaphylactic shock from it. But the rash itches like poison ivy and lasts for days. Unfortunately, I can't even kiss a woman that eats wheat products or uses most makeup. Yes, even makeup has gluten unless it is specifically formulated and certified to be gluten free. The point is that this restriction has put a huge damper on the availability of women for real world sexual interaction. Thus emerged the virtual world.
The 4th reason that the virtual crush has taken on such importance to me is because I am currently on a 24 month sexual sabbatical (hiatus) during post divorce recovery and growth period. I exited my marriage with a lot of emotional and financial baggage. It would not be fair to drag that into a new relationship. I also need to learn some better relationship & communication skills to avert the problems that plagued my marriage.
So being a social person with strong desire to connect and be romantic, yet unable to in the real world, the Virtual Crush and any subsequent evolving relationships has become intriguing and attractive to me.
Additionally, I will be amending my introductory statement somewhat to reflect the narrow focus.
That raps up this ramble,
ED - focusing
I plan to have blogs in the future that are written more for other readers and I will try to be more entertaining. But not here. This is my first blog and it's where I intend to chronicle my experiences with virtual crushes & subsequent virtual relationships, especially those that contain kinky sex, D/s, BDSM content. Although I will undoubtedly include content that applies to relationships broadly, I want to make VCs with D/s BDSM my narrow focus for several reasons.
First, the virtual crush is still new and it fascinates me. Because of my long time interest in cognition, relationships and Artificial General Intelligence (AGI), I am quite curious about how infatuation can be triggered so intensely via text invoked imagination only. This would seem to bypass some of the components of the current models for attraction as the mind must fill in many of the blanks for the models to hold up. Some of the newer but less scientifically derived models of online generated attraction will analyzed and scrutinized along the way.
Second, I have a life-time interest in kinky sex, D/s, & bdsm. The concept of remote control D/s is of particular interest to me. In many ways, this could be very practical and there are examples of people who are making this work to enrich their lives. I don't have any idea if it will work for me, but I suspect that I will eventually find out. :-)
Third, I am afflicted with Gluten Sensitivity/Intolerance. That means that my immune system detects the protein gluten as a foreign pathogen and launches an immune system attack response if I ingest even the tiniest amount. Gluten is the protein in wheat and some other grains that makes it sticky which helps bread to rise. My immune system response so sensitive that I can't even breathe any wheat dust into my throat without getting a rash and emptying out my innards. Luckily, I do not go into anaphylactic shock from it. But the rash itches like poison ivy and lasts for days. Unfortunately, I can't even kiss a woman that eats wheat products or uses most makeup. Yes, even makeup has gluten unless it is specifically formulated and certified to be gluten free. The point is that this restriction has put a huge damper on the availability of women for real world sexual interaction. Thus emerged the virtual world.
The 4th reason that the virtual crush has taken on such importance to me is because I am currently on a 24 month sexual sabbatical (hiatus) during post divorce recovery and growth period. I exited my marriage with a lot of emotional and financial baggage. It would not be fair to drag that into a new relationship. I also need to learn some better relationship & communication skills to avert the problems that plagued my marriage.
So being a social person with strong desire to connect and be romantic, yet unable to in the real world, the Virtual Crush and any subsequent evolving relationships has become intriguing and attractive to me.
Additionally, I will be amending my introductory statement somewhat to reflect the narrow focus.
That raps up this ramble,
ED - focusing
Monday, October 18, 2010
List Of Red Flags For Women To Look For And Run If They See Them
Here is a list that I accidentally stumbled onto of red flags for women to look for to spot narcissists & sociopaths. I just thought it fit in with the relationship advice theme of this blog. This list came from a woman who was married to a narcissist and posted this on another blog as a comment.
She said that if women see these flags then they should run from the men. Most of these are clearly not healthy Dominant behavior. IMO, these are signs of a very abusive relationship not consensual D/s BDSM relationships. I think it is important to note that one or 2 of these red flags may not indicate sociopathic behavior because in a D/s relationship, I would not necessarily consider it abnormal for a woman to be told to wear certain jewelry, clothing or less makeup...assuming that the decision making had been consensually handed over to the Dom. The key is did the woman having sound mind, exercising free will...hand over these choices to a Dominant man or did he attempt to seize control? To me that's the difference, does the woman seek to submit choices about her life to a man or is he trying to seize control. I'm sure that people unfamiliar with the dynamics of D/s relationships may find all this to be appalling. Look at it from another perspective, some women tend to go overboard with clothing, makeup, etc. out of insecurities or a shopping addiction & may need help making decisions. If you don't believe me then go hang out at a shopping mall and or Wal-Mart for a while.
I suggest these be used as warning signs and if seen in clusters then be very cautious. Use common sense and get outside opinions from your friends & family if possible. They usually have a better perspective. It should be taken into account that D/s relationships create an environment and dynamics that will be viewed as unhealthy by many who lead vanilla lifestyles.
Red flags
1) Needing to be around you as much as possible and knowing where you are at all times.
2) Refusing to have any meaningful social life, even with his own family.
3) Telling you what to wear and advising what is “appropriate clothing” for you.
4) Requesting that you spend all your free time with him and NONE with friends. (In the beginning, you can see friends on a limited basis, but he has to be there.)
5) Absolutely NO male friends or hugging any male.
6) Dictating what you look like, i.e., you should wear glasses instead of contact lenses, less makeup, less jewelry, etc.
7) No more going to the gym, men might look at you there while exercising.
8) Outright anger when you join a church or any other “institution.” The REAL issue is…he is afraid a priest or other “authority” will tell you what to do and “control” you.
9) Encouraging you to engage in unhealthy habits like not losing weight. They use these “bad habits” later to criticize you.
10) You cannot be “too friendly.” People might get the “wrong idea,” especially MEN.
11) You have the feeling of walking on eggshells, waiting for a blow-up if you say the wrong thing or say the right thing in a way he does not like.
12) You know he thinks he is smarter and better than others by his almost constant criticism of others…words like “idiot” and “slow learner” are a common part of his everyday language as he discusses others.
13) He loves the thrill of a good “fight” with nearly anyone, but when he perceives himself as the loser, he is a very poor one and there are always rationalizations for WHY he lost and they have nothing to do with HIM, of course.
14) He acts like he cares what you think, gives lip service to being “liberal” and open minded but his actions are the opposite.
15) He thinks absolutely NOTHING of lying and will take advantage of anyone at anytime if it furthers his goals.
16) You have never met anyone like him…he does things that no one else does…his behavior is simply outrageous to others and they shake their heads and say what GALL!
17) The rules do NOT EVER apply to him…he is above them.
18) He resents, on many levels, having to care for his children unless a woman is around to take on most of the “burden.”
19) He often “forgets” what he is supposed to do for his children (especially when it involves anything to do with money).
20) He says things that simply make NO sense and you, as a rational, logical person, just cannot quite figure it out.
21) He shows up with no notice at your job or home (no common sense of courtesy).
22) When he thinks he is being rejected, he calls, emails, comes to your home or job obsessively and often actually stalks.
23) Early in the relationship you are his “whole world” and he does not want to spend any time with anyone but you.
24) He seldom thanks anyone for anything.
25) These men are VERY adept at fooling others…everyone thinks they are just great and love you so much…BEWARE!
If anyone else has more input please comment or email it.
ED
She said that if women see these flags then they should run from the men. Most of these are clearly not healthy Dominant behavior. IMO, these are signs of a very abusive relationship not consensual D/s BDSM relationships. I think it is important to note that one or 2 of these red flags may not indicate sociopathic behavior because in a D/s relationship, I would not necessarily consider it abnormal for a woman to be told to wear certain jewelry, clothing or less makeup...assuming that the decision making had been consensually handed over to the Dom. The key is did the woman having sound mind, exercising free will...hand over these choices to a Dominant man or did he attempt to seize control? To me that's the difference, does the woman seek to submit choices about her life to a man or is he trying to seize control. I'm sure that people unfamiliar with the dynamics of D/s relationships may find all this to be appalling. Look at it from another perspective, some women tend to go overboard with clothing, makeup, etc. out of insecurities or a shopping addiction & may need help making decisions. If you don't believe me then go hang out at a shopping mall and or Wal-Mart for a while.
I suggest these be used as warning signs and if seen in clusters then be very cautious. Use common sense and get outside opinions from your friends & family if possible. They usually have a better perspective. It should be taken into account that D/s relationships create an environment and dynamics that will be viewed as unhealthy by many who lead vanilla lifestyles.
Red flags
1) Needing to be around you as much as possible and knowing where you are at all times.
2) Refusing to have any meaningful social life, even with his own family.
3) Telling you what to wear and advising what is “appropriate clothing” for you.
4) Requesting that you spend all your free time with him and NONE with friends. (In the beginning, you can see friends on a limited basis, but he has to be there.)
5) Absolutely NO male friends or hugging any male.
6) Dictating what you look like, i.e., you should wear glasses instead of contact lenses, less makeup, less jewelry, etc.
7) No more going to the gym, men might look at you there while exercising.
8) Outright anger when you join a church or any other “institution.” The REAL issue is…he is afraid a priest or other “authority” will tell you what to do and “control” you.
9) Encouraging you to engage in unhealthy habits like not losing weight. They use these “bad habits” later to criticize you.
10) You cannot be “too friendly.” People might get the “wrong idea,” especially MEN.
11) You have the feeling of walking on eggshells, waiting for a blow-up if you say the wrong thing or say the right thing in a way he does not like.
12) You know he thinks he is smarter and better than others by his almost constant criticism of others…words like “idiot” and “slow learner” are a common part of his everyday language as he discusses others.
13) He loves the thrill of a good “fight” with nearly anyone, but when he perceives himself as the loser, he is a very poor one and there are always rationalizations for WHY he lost and they have nothing to do with HIM, of course.
14) He acts like he cares what you think, gives lip service to being “liberal” and open minded but his actions are the opposite.
15) He thinks absolutely NOTHING of lying and will take advantage of anyone at anytime if it furthers his goals.
16) You have never met anyone like him…he does things that no one else does…his behavior is simply outrageous to others and they shake their heads and say what GALL!
17) The rules do NOT EVER apply to him…he is above them.
18) He resents, on many levels, having to care for his children unless a woman is around to take on most of the “burden.”
19) He often “forgets” what he is supposed to do for his children (especially when it involves anything to do with money).
20) He says things that simply make NO sense and you, as a rational, logical person, just cannot quite figure it out.
21) He shows up with no notice at your job or home (no common sense of courtesy).
22) When he thinks he is being rejected, he calls, emails, comes to your home or job obsessively and often actually stalks.
23) Early in the relationship you are his “whole world” and he does not want to spend any time with anyone but you.
24) He seldom thanks anyone for anything.
25) These men are VERY adept at fooling others…everyone thinks they are just great and love you so much…BEWARE!
If anyone else has more input please comment or email it.
ED
Well, I decided which ones
In answer to the questions yesterday of which women to message back. I have answered several questions from a long chat with the twenty something, who I think I will call ETL for Eager To Learn. She's cool, and charming with depth...so how could I not?
Then I had a hard time with the low 40s wandering Unix programmer. I reread her profile and I can certainly see a lot that is attractive and we should have plenty to talk about but there is one red flag..."I smoke weed errday." Great! Here I am...having given up all my substance addictions...no way I need to hang out with temptation like that. Once you break substance abuse...you must avoid users from then on or they will suck you right back in! So I messaged her and told her that we could never hang out but if she wanted a virtual only friendship, then I was game.
I doubt that she will respond. I was straight up and did not use any hooks and lures. I wanted her to make a free will choice. So right now, both women look equally attractive to me, but both are virtual only prospects. Which is just what this blog is dedicated to.
Lastly, I dropped the 50 year old. She seems to have no depth and I've already sent her a topic opening question back...about an empty barn pic that she has up on her profile and she flaked on it with a dead end answer. I don't have time for that. I'm not going to make up the whole conversation for her.
Until later,
ED- workaholic
PS. The more emotional distance that I have from VC-3, the more I can see clearly all the thought processes and feelings that led to the crash. And what do you know? Surprise, it's all Pride's fault. Yep, once again, my stupid pride has cost me dearly. And yet my pride still has no value. When will I learn? So I will keep thinking about this pride issue some more but I plan to start another blog and keep track of what my pride costs me on a daily basis. I wish I had done this years ago. I've always said "If you make a decision based on pride, then you usually make the wrong decision." Yet I still allowed it to happen multiple times. So I am hoping to use the new pride blog to help me rid myself of the burden of pride. Here is a link to the Pride blog.
The Running Total of What My Pride Has Cost Me
Then I had a hard time with the low 40s wandering Unix programmer. I reread her profile and I can certainly see a lot that is attractive and we should have plenty to talk about but there is one red flag..."I smoke weed errday." Great! Here I am...having given up all my substance addictions...no way I need to hang out with temptation like that. Once you break substance abuse...you must avoid users from then on or they will suck you right back in! So I messaged her and told her that we could never hang out but if she wanted a virtual only friendship, then I was game.
I doubt that she will respond. I was straight up and did not use any hooks and lures. I wanted her to make a free will choice. So right now, both women look equally attractive to me, but both are virtual only prospects. Which is just what this blog is dedicated to.
Lastly, I dropped the 50 year old. She seems to have no depth and I've already sent her a topic opening question back...about an empty barn pic that she has up on her profile and she flaked on it with a dead end answer. I don't have time for that. I'm not going to make up the whole conversation for her.
Until later,
ED- workaholic
PS. The more emotional distance that I have from VC-3, the more I can see clearly all the thought processes and feelings that led to the crash. And what do you know? Surprise, it's all Pride's fault. Yep, once again, my stupid pride has cost me dearly. And yet my pride still has no value. When will I learn? So I will keep thinking about this pride issue some more but I plan to start another blog and keep track of what my pride costs me on a daily basis. I wish I had done this years ago. I've always said "If you make a decision based on pride, then you usually make the wrong decision." Yet I still allowed it to happen multiple times. So I am hoping to use the new pride blog to help me rid myself of the burden of pride. Here is a link to the Pride blog.
The Running Total of What My Pride Has Cost Me
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Temptations, decisions, or ignore & just work?
It is clear to me that I do not have lots of spare time to pursue new virtual interactions with women at this time. However, I also know that I should do it because of the rewards and of course it's not healthy to work as much as I do. Clearly, because of my 24 month sexual sabbatical, I should not be engaging in crushes with women in the real world. It's too real and it's too difficult both ways. Friends are not a problem but if there is any chance of a crush igniting then I will avoid women in the real world...for now. I need a rule to clarify:
The latter part of the rule was inspired by 2 women in the last couple days. First an attractive bank teller who's body language indicated interest and submissive tendencies.
Second was the checkout lady at Lowe's. I went in to make my almost late CC payment. Then I remembered that I wanted some small rope to practice knots. I picked up a book on knots at Half-Priced books from the clearance section and I wanted some small diameter colored cord to practice with. Well, when I placed the rope on the counter, the woman (attractive, brunet 40's) smiled suggestively and asked "Getting ready for tomorrow?" Now the most flirty thing that popped into my mind was to say "Yes, What time are you coming over?" However, I refrained....sigh.... Well, that led to us talking about my book and knots. I was reading IOIs from her the whole time. She then disclosed that she was teaching her son to tie knots. I ended it politely and left with her feeling good about herself. That brings up another rule:
"Always try to leave them better than you found them."
It may not always be possible but we should try. I got this from 2 people: My dear friend Ka who was my first Virtual Crush does something really neat and she asked me to do it too. She leaves post-it-notes on public restroom mirrors that say things like "You are a beautiful person." Then a quite infamous guy from the seduction community RJ actually preaches "Leave them better than you found them." Surprisingly many of those guys do at least say they follow that motto. I just think we should be that way with everyone we interact with. I'm no saint, that's for sure and sometimes I fail miserably...but I try...and try.
Perhaps the world would be a better place if we all left the house daily with the golden rule in mind:
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
So back to the original concern of this post. I have several messages from women and I do not have the time to pursue interacting with all of them. Regardless of virtual crushes, which I am not pursuing, time is limited. So I have 3 choices. I know little about any of them. One is young, but eager to learn, bisexual, bdsm curious. Pretty tempting combo. The 2nd is lower 40s and seems a good match personality wise and is open like VC-3 was and seems to have depth, and is intellectual, and kinky. Then the 3rd is a few years older at 50 but quite honestly I cant figure why she messaged me. She looks good, not that it matters, but we are a terrible match except that she likes out door stuff like hiking/camping and we share musical taste. Temptations...
Hmmm, I think I will let this sit a bit and see what happens. I am leaning towards the youngest. She has a FB or BF so it should be a safer bet that she won't expect anything to terminate in real world sex.
Back to work,
ED - perplexed
"Do not engage women in the real world in anything more than platonic friendship activities. Avoid the appearance or possibility of real world romantic situations. Resist the compulsions to reciprocate IOIs and flirtatious behavior."
The latter part of the rule was inspired by 2 women in the last couple days. First an attractive bank teller who's body language indicated interest and submissive tendencies.
Second was the checkout lady at Lowe's. I went in to make my almost late CC payment. Then I remembered that I wanted some small rope to practice knots. I picked up a book on knots at Half-Priced books from the clearance section and I wanted some small diameter colored cord to practice with. Well, when I placed the rope on the counter, the woman (attractive, brunet 40's) smiled suggestively and asked "Getting ready for tomorrow?" Now the most flirty thing that popped into my mind was to say "Yes, What time are you coming over?" However, I refrained....sigh.... Well, that led to us talking about my book and knots. I was reading IOIs from her the whole time. She then disclosed that she was teaching her son to tie knots. I ended it politely and left with her feeling good about herself. That brings up another rule:
"Always try to leave them better than you found them."
It may not always be possible but we should try. I got this from 2 people: My dear friend Ka who was my first Virtual Crush does something really neat and she asked me to do it too. She leaves post-it-notes on public restroom mirrors that say things like "You are a beautiful person." Then a quite infamous guy from the seduction community RJ actually preaches "Leave them better than you found them." Surprisingly many of those guys do at least say they follow that motto. I just think we should be that way with everyone we interact with. I'm no saint, that's for sure and sometimes I fail miserably...but I try...and try.
Perhaps the world would be a better place if we all left the house daily with the golden rule in mind:
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
So back to the original concern of this post. I have several messages from women and I do not have the time to pursue interacting with all of them. Regardless of virtual crushes, which I am not pursuing, time is limited. So I have 3 choices. I know little about any of them. One is young, but eager to learn, bisexual, bdsm curious. Pretty tempting combo. The 2nd is lower 40s and seems a good match personality wise and is open like VC-3 was and seems to have depth, and is intellectual, and kinky. Then the 3rd is a few years older at 50 but quite honestly I cant figure why she messaged me. She looks good, not that it matters, but we are a terrible match except that she likes out door stuff like hiking/camping and we share musical taste. Temptations...
Hmmm, I think I will let this sit a bit and see what happens. I am leaning towards the youngest. She has a FB or BF so it should be a safer bet that she won't expect anything to terminate in real world sex.
Back to work,
ED - perplexed
How much younger is too young?
I started pondering questions about the mismatch problems between people in relationships.
Keeping with the theme of this blog, how critical is age difference in relation to virtual crushes?
That led to another question.
In a remote control D/s relationship, how critical is age difference?
For those unfamiliar with "remote control Domming", this is where the Dominant and submissive interact via electronic communication technologies. So in essence it is a form of virtual erotic interaction that likely involves virtual crushes and perhaps love. This concept took some time getting used to but I try to be very open minded.
Well, I think I will let these questions sit for a while and see what unfolds from them.
Time for some sweet dreams,
ED- thinking about much younger women
Keeping with the theme of this blog, how critical is age difference in relation to virtual crushes?
That led to another question.
In a remote control D/s relationship, how critical is age difference?
For those unfamiliar with "remote control Domming", this is where the Dominant and submissive interact via electronic communication technologies. So in essence it is a form of virtual erotic interaction that likely involves virtual crushes and perhaps love. This concept took some time getting used to but I try to be very open minded.
Well, I think I will let these questions sit for a while and see what unfolds from them.
Time for some sweet dreams,
ED- thinking about much younger women
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Third time was charming but doomed all along.
They sure do look cute together at first.....then the reality of the mismatch sets in. :-(
Time...the ultimate cleanser...has been working away...diluting the sense of loss & failure. It's been a dozen hours or so since my termination letter and I now have regained my mental clarity. I see how rewarding the experience was and I would eagerly repeat that part of my history again. Overall, I feel healthy & happy. Time to blog it out.
The next few posts are going to be dedicated to analyzing and rule making based on my most recent virtual crush (VC-3). First I wanted to touch on what I believe doomed us from the start and was ultimately the final straw. The problem was...that we were very mismatched in many ways. Some of them were perhaps of little consequence. However, fundamentally we had completely different levels of kinky play experience both physically and mentally. In the real world, BDSM players desires must be matched to some extent or neither players needs are properly met. I will elaborate on this in a bit...but first, for me, I need to analyze why I ignored this obvious issue.
First off, I am currently 13 months into a 24 month sexual sabbatical. I have multiple reasons for doing this that I will cover extensively in future posts. But for now, I mention this to help frame my mindset. Quite simply put, "I'm horny as hell." This shit is not easy. Especially when eager attractive single women keep popping into my life from different directions. The next question would logically be "If your on a sex hiatus then what are you doing actively engaging in virtual crushes?" Well, I have online profiles set up around the web, for the purpose of finding like minded friends with mutual interests. On the first line on my profile, I make it quite clear that "I am on hiatus and will not be climbing in bed with anyone!" I added that statement after VC-1. Who I now, consider to be a dear friend in real life, despite some rough patches we went through. Actually, I became friends with both VC-1 & VC-2 in real life...but this is another post topic entirely. The point is, that I was in a very sexual/romantic needy state of mind when VC-3 popped up.
VC-3 had a similar state of mind but clearly understood and excepted the conditions that limited my availability for real life adventures. Next, we began friend/rapport building activities. That went well & we clicked naturally in several key ways and so began the rapid escalation. A short time later, the emails were flying back and forth. Then literally over night, I was deep into my next virtual crush. Those are some great feelings. The problem is...we now know from science that these feelings are due to a cocktail of chemicals that the body releases in order to trigger romantic bonding and mating. It's an evolutionary carry-over from millions of years ago. When you feel the romantic high we call infatuation, you are literally high on mind altering drugs. No doubt, this greatly influenced my decision to continue the rapid escalation of our crush. That my excuse anyway and I'm sticking to it for now. :-)
The rapid escalation led to very light D/s talk and some soft BDSM imagery. There was a point when VC-3 questioned our rapid acceleration. I thought about it and decided that it was mostly harmless fun...and I could handle it. Nor did the virtual crush conflict directly with the reasons for my sex hiatus. So I gave her my approval and left the decision and pace up to her. Eagerly two consenting adults dove on in.
We began discussing D/s BDSM activities etc. in a very suggestive, super flirtatious way. That escalated to her suggesting an imaginary sub named Gigi or (sub form gigi = gg). The intent was for us to place gg in scenes and play out fantasies. Well, it became obvious that our experience levels and threshold for "too much" were not even close. I thought that using the imaginary (virtual) gg would some how act as a buffer to match our interest levels but I was sadly mistaken. What I did discover is that gg is a marvelous tool to determine if 2 BDSM players share common erotic interests and levels of play. Each player can write little BDSM stories with her and see if they are mutually erotic and acceptable. This is critical because if the activity and play levels are too different, then either of 2 things goes very wrong. Either one player finds the activities boring, or the other player is overwhelmed or perhaps even frightened. I liken this to a cat playing with a mouse. The cat is naturally going to want to play too rough. And, so it was...through the use of gg it was becoming more and more apparent that ultimately, I was not compatible with newbie VC-3 in BDSM activities, virtual or not. :-( I wonder how much longer I could have ignored this fact.
Eventually, I inadvertently discovered VC-3's response to humiliation by insulting her pride via her blog buddies. In the process I tried to provide them some useful information about the seduction community and the dangers that some of these seduction artists as they call themselves pose to women. BTW, this is going to be the topic of a whole new blog coming soon. Well, as it turns out VC-3 apparently has had no experience with public humiliation in BDSM play. Her first and former BDSM mentor apparently did not work with her on pride suppression what-so-ever. oops my mistake..."never assume that a prior Dom was thorough or successful in anything." Yeah, I know....Duh!
The results were not pretty! She had some strong words to say, that I will keep confidential. Those words clearly indicated her extreme anger and embarrassment. I felt pretty bad. Take Note: "The first time you stomp on a woman's pride, it's always a roll-of-the-dice. You better have a lot of value & rapport invested." Again...Duh! What I find ironic is that so much anger and embarrassment came from a woman who has blogged her entire introduction to BDSM over the last year for thousands of people to read. Yet she was embarrassed because I the D...in what she had called a "mentor/mentee" relationship...had talked down to her in front of her BDSM friends. None of which were here public daily life friends, but her sub friends that are supposed to be accepting of her submissive tendencies. Oh well, I had a feeling that might happen. She's a newbie. My mistake...live and learn.
The final straw came later that day after I sent an apology email. I had not heard anything from her, so I thought that all hope was lost. Clearly, I let my emotional attachment cloud my judgement. I know that sometimes you can salvage a bad situation with a submissive woman who is angry at you by appearing more angry and presenting examples of her bad behavior. However, this is a huge gamble because if it backfires then the results are typically relationship FUBAR. Well my perception was that "all was lost"...so I decided to try this last effort. Looking back it was less of a decision and more like I just allowed my emotions to drive my actions. I went through some of her emails and scribbled down some notes. Then began to rip out an email. The rest is history, which by the way is the topic of the blog on 10-15-2010 listed below:
Rule #101 Never Click "SEND" When Your Upset...
Well, I think that about covers it,
ED- wondering if blogging is going to be my next addiction?
Is it possible to find enrichment from a "Dear John, It's over..." letter?
Against my better judgement, I checked my email and received the dreaded "It's over..." termination letter. I knew it was coming, I hoped for the best, but sometimes...you just know...there is no plausible recovery strategy. The military calls this FUBAR - Fucked Up Beyond Any/All Repair/Recognition. When something gets classified FUBAR, you just shake your head and walk or crawl away. Yep, FUBAR was what I had done to the rapport that I had with my 3rd virtual crush. It's amazing, how rapport must be built by many acts of kindness and consideration, but it is destroyed by a single mistake. Oh well...shit happens...live and learn...move on...try not to fuck up so bad next time.
Looking back as I walk away...deep inside, a part of me knew that......that I was no good for her. On the outside she was a strong woman but I could tell how tender she really was. I just kept telling that voice inside to shut up. Why, because she was so good for me & I kept telling myself that I could come down to her level of virtual D/s interaction. Wrong, not for long...obviously! In the real world, a BDSM player's interaction needs must be matched closely for ideal compatibility. I just learned...it's the same for the virtual world too. Duh!
I only knew her for a week and she enriched my life in many ways. Wow, how many people do you meet that you can say that about? I will have to take an inventory some day of all the ways that I was rewarded. She is a rare gem and has much to offer the people around her.
In her last email she further enriched my life. It was just a little snippet of blog advice and I completely get why she helped me. But still, I started to contemplate the potential of the information that she gave me and it could potentially be more life changing than I can imagine at this moment. That invokes a good feeling of being content in this closing.
So after a 1 week ride on a very fast moving Virtual Crush Roller Coaster...which just crashed a few hours ago. I feel pretty good. I would not have traded that experience for anything.
Analyzing the emotions that I feel at this moment is a very surreal mix. I feel some strong senses of loss and failure...but that is mixed with both relief from having closure and elation at the potential prospects ahead. So it balances out nicely. :-)
BTW, this is not the first time that I have had a very surreal mix of feeling this week. And not just from this woman either. I've finally reached the point where I can see my ex-wife as just a very close friend. We actually sat down together 2 nights ago and exchanged crush stories without jealousy or envy. It was very weird but also wonderful. It helped that she bought a Ferrari for me on her recent trip to Italy. Perhaps I will elaborate more on this in future posts. Anyway, what a week!
To my vc #3
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
BTW, I'm retiring the alias VC for me. It will symbolize a special memory of you though.
Farewell to you too,
Erotic Deviance- off to explore the blog world :-)
Friday, October 15, 2010
Rule #101 Never Click "SEND" When Your Upset...
At the strong encouragement of someone that was, briefly, very close to me (virtually speaking), I have decided to begin blogging my experiences with virtual crushes. The "Virtual Crush" is something that is still very new to me. Virtual Crush - a romantic crush that involves interaction via electronic communication technology. Usually, the parties involved have not actually met in the physical world. Typically, this interaction is Internet based via, email, IM, text, phone, chat, A/V streaming, or the more advanced virtual worlds such as www.secondlife.com.
The stories behind my first two virtual crushes are best told another day perhaps. What is more important is the fact that my 3rd virtual crush has taken a turn for the worst. It began innocently enough with the mutual intent of just being friends. We had some key similar interests and characteristics. As a result, we connected very quickly. Both as friends and in our resultant mutual virtual crush. Then I fucked it all up. :-(
The pain from this experience has prompted me to begin blogging. Even though doing so violates one of my oldest rules. "If you put something private on paper, then you better assume that everyone will read it. So DON'T! & if you do it anyway, make damn sure do not put any real names on embarrassing stuff!" I learned this in second grade when my 2nd LTR girlfriend circulated one of my love letters. That humiliation has stuck with me clearly to this moment. Since that day, I have made this mistake again, some 14 years prior, when I was documenting the seduction of a stripper for my journal. That piece of paper subsequently got misplaced. Several months later, my relatively new GF found the infamous essay now known as "Eager Lips!" There is nothing like the sinking feeling of walking in the door after a hard day at work, only to find your GF reading aloud from your essay "As she pressed her luscious pussy to my eager lips." What happened to me subsequently is not appropriate for this blog. I will quote the Marines "What does not kill me, only makes me stronger." Despite these bad memories of what happens when I have documented my private history, I have decided to be bold and embrace my fear. Here it is...my mission statement:
Because of the unfortunate mistakes that I have made and the resultant pain I have recently inflicted, I decided to create this blog for 2 primary purposes:
1. To help me make sense of it all so that I might learn and grow.
2. Hopefully to provide a community service by illustrating examples of what you should and should NOT to do if you seek successful relationship experiences of all types.
I suspect that I will find additional uses for this blog along the way. One that comes to mind immediately is to give some of my friends a break from my long winded missives.
OK, So here I go....Time to dive in & get all wet.
Why is it, that we forget the rules that pain has taught us, when we need them the most? Wait......No, that's not completely accurate...I'll try again. one moment,
{"Pride...be quiet! You have caused enough problems."}
That is much better.
Why do we choose to ignore our rules of conduct when we are upset? (that is more accurate) We create our rules specifically for the prevention of inflicting pain...both on ourselves and others. Yet when we need our rules the most, we violate them. Soon after, we find ourselves suffering from the realization of what we have done. Then, our internal voice of of pride goes into overdrive trying to fabricate a plausible lie to tell ourselves...so that we feel less responsible. Then we back rationalize with this sort of story "It's not my fault. I just forgot the rule. Yeah...that's it! It's my memories fault. Not mine." Not that this back rationalizing really works to shed the guilt, but then, what really does? It's not like Pride makes the most logical choices.
So one of the rules that I broke recently is partially the title of my first blog. It's an old rule, but still a good one. It's not the most important rule that I broke as I broke several lately. However, this rule would have saved me more than once lately and it is applicable to many situations. So I thought I would share it first. "Never click "SEND" before a delayed proofread, especially when you are upset!" Seems pretty self-explanatory, and easy to remember. There was a lot of pain in my history that has inspired it's creation. However, I ignored it anyway.
There I was frustrated, insecure, and angry at a recent rejection...or rather what my delusional mind thought was a rejection. I was blasting through this email, typing away as I read phrases from my note pad. I could not quite recall a few of the words that I wanted so I substituted, thinking "I'll change them later, but this is a good place holder?" Finally, when I got to the end, I thought to myself "That's about everything I need to say." Then I moved the pointer to the "SEND" button. A little voice, way in the back, says "Wait!..." But my finger was already in motion and my fate was sealed..."CLICK". It happens just that fast. Then the little voice gets louder and finishes it's sentence "STOP!...THE RULE!!!...Walk Away, Delay, THEN PROOFREAD!!!" Too late! Time had already swept the option away from me. Exhale. Fuck!
Then (and this is where it really gets bad) I notice that I forgotten to flip the page on the note pad over. So in what might be one of my most idiotic decisions...no doubt, driven by a tendency to seek perfection in my already quite complete doom...I begin a second email entitled "Furthermore,..." I then composed a 2nd email and sent it away as fast as I could. Idiocy knows no limitations.
By the time I got back to the "IN BOX" page, she had already replied. Damn smart phones! As it turns out...had I simply followed the rule by walking away and waiting. Then proof reading. It is likely that this story would have had a happy ending and this blog would never have been started. Because you see, she had already accepted my apology from an earlier blunder, but she was busy and had not found the time to reply. Alternately, had I waited a few more minutes, then as usual I would have had second thoughts and deleted or at least cleansed the tone of the email. When I screw up, I do it with passion. As it went out, rereading it now, I sounded like a raving preachy lunatic.
So why did I ignore the little voice in that split second that I had a chance? I think because, time heals all wounds. It had been too long since the last time I violated the rule. The pain was not fresh enough to save me.
Hours later, pacing around...I had what I hope to be a life changing experience. I realized that perhaps I could extract some good from this experience as well as any future blunders. So I made the decision to change my thinking and adopt the recommendation from the very same person of whom I have wronged so thoroughly. I decided to start this blog.
Well, I'm getting sleepy. Perhaps this is a good place to stop for now.
Goodnight,
ED- :-(
PS. I really fucked up a rare opportunity. I never laid eyes on her and I likely never will. While that is sad, what is most unfortunate, is that I drove away the first friend that I actually felt so connected to...that I could share everything that is me. She felt similarly. Ironically, I suspect that knowing this and feeling the powerful connection is what influenced my prior idiotic state. I will describe this more in later posts. That behavior desperately needs to inspire more rules of conduct...such as not talking down to people just because you are upset.
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